ReaI stories touch

n short, young people do appreciate adults for their input, but they are certainly not the only source. It would be better if parents and teachers realise this. “Especially the personal stories of experts with experience – for example stories of victims, perpetrators or bystanders of sexual violence - touch young people deeply, Marijke says. “I spoke to young people who had forwarded a sexually explicit photo of someone else and were not aware of the consequences. If they had heard a story from a victim beforehand, or from an ashamed perpetrator, they said they would have never done it”.

Marijke advises parents to also discuss the perpetrator: talk to children about respecting other people's sexual boundaries, offline and online. "That is difficult of course, you do not want to see your child as a potential perpetrator. But this is necessary if we want to tackle sexual violence at its root."

Breaking the taboo

Experience stories can also ensure that young people seek help if something bad happens to them, because they also hear about the support available. "Many victims of sexting abuse are ashamed. There is a real taboo surrounding it: 'How stupid that you sent that photo.’ So it starts with talking about it, in a positive way. 'Oh cool, you are dating someone online', or 'You sometimes send sexy photos, how does that work?' Respect that this is something young people do and don't make anyone feel guilty if someone else takes advantage of them.”

Marijke gets straight to the point: “It is striking that as adults we often open the conversation with young people with all the risks of online sex and the dangers that could be lurking. I advocate for listening to what our children do with an open mind, for example by asking questions about which apps they use and why they like them. By not judging, you create a safe bond. And only when children feel safe and accepted, do they report it when things go wrong.”

She continues: “Certainly, it is important to be aware of the dangers online: the distribution of sexting material, sextortion, unwanted explicit photos, grooming, etc. But sexuality is so much more than this dangerous side. For my research I spoke to dozens of young people and they liked just talking about sexuality. At school, but also at home, young people experience that adults often speak to them in a patronizing manner. They feel that they are not taken seriously and as a result drop out of the conversation, which is a shame, because they do consider adults to be a valuable source of information. At the same time, they also want to know something about the experience of sex, to exchange experiences and opinions. They also really like to do the latter with peers.”

"As an adult, look at what your child does online with an open mind"